Too afraid
To live
Too young
To die
And each passing day
Burns a hole through the soul
While I live a lie
I wait..
for an escape
for a saviour
for some moments
Of joy that is pure and eternal
Of love that is true and beautiful
Of life that is free
And the way it was supposed to be
It is my birthday today. I can’t remember the last birthday when I was truly happy. Maybe it was in college when I had a whiff of hash from my friend who had come back from manali and brought some with whim.
2008 was the year of the recession. In the markets and in my life as well. Around the time when the banks were filing bankruptcy, some of my old room-mates decided to part ways and move into another apartment. And as it happened, after a pangs of frustration, I moved in alone at a new place. Its been around 5 months now and I can safely say that passing each day living in this place is a chore.
I wish I had that remote from the movie ‘Click’, the only thing I’d miss out on would be stale dinners and some archived webcasts of TV shows. The thing on which I had pinned my hopes on seems further by the day. The January news came and instead of making me happy only gave grief. A few days back, I was told that I was amongst the people who were vulnerable for the third round of layoffs which are claimed to be around the corner. I had really wanted to use the January news as an excuse to go home and work on my fitness, but the events of late have put me in a state of suspension.
I long for each new day to somehow engulf the emptiness of my being, most days fail to do so and the silence kills me ever so softly. While I am afraid of setting higher expectations, it is only hope which is giving me the strength to pass this darkness.
How much does listening to music cost today?
Just about nothing if you download and around 2-3$ if you buy a CD which you can take home.
How much does watching a movie cost?
Just about nothing in you download and around 4$ if you go to the cinema.
How much does a bag of popcorn cost?
Just about nothing if you make it at home and around 2$ at the cinema.
How much does a pint of beer cost?
Around 11Rs if you buy a bottle in the canteen and around 150/- in a pub.
How much does a cup of coffee cost?
Around 1/- if you make it at home and around 50/- if you have it at Barista.
How much does loosing 5kgs of weight cost?
Just about nothing if you run daily for a month and around 3000/- at a gym.
How much does an MBA cost?
Around 16000/- Rs at FMS and around 20,00,000/- at ISB
The absurdity of these price levels is quite evident on comparison but these are levels we have accepted and are accustomed to. But in all of these pruchases, the re-packaging of an otherwise pedestrian commodity totally fuzzes our brain cells and once we see others buying them daily we are only too keen to join the herd. So what is my point?
My point is that if you want to save un-necessary costs, you will have to redefine necessary in comparison with something you can do alternatively almost for free.
To be contd…
What is a man to do
When he finds himself dwarfed
By the myriad animals in the zoo
And he knows , that these games
He must play
Or recede into slow decay
In self doubt, he asks questions
Answers to which, he already knows
And the reflection in the mirror
Looks stranger by the day
If he had a choice, he would
Pack his bags and go away
But he knows , that these games
He must play
Lest his dreams go disarray
There is a void that he must fill
Or remain incomplete until
Sometimes he walks the streets
But only in the dark
But he knows , that these games
He must play,For the world
Judges him through the day
Quintessential happiness: the 5km run, the bath, topped off by a cup of tea/mug of beer.
It had been two weeks since I had done much exercise, and as it happens I’d drunk a whole pitcher of beer on friday alongwith lotsa ciggies and food. It was but obvious that would’nt wake up on time to run today. Even so, after lazing around till 10, I said “fuck it”, wore my shoes, clipped the ipod shuffle and went out. The thing about running in bangalore is, that you have to watch your back, your front, your left and your right at all times. But, just thinking of yourself as some “urban runner” will get your blood pumping. Coming back to what I really wanted to write, running is the ultimate ‘real’ experience in our everyday lives. It takes all frustration, apprehension and concern out of your system. And suddenly what was a drab saturday morning in an aimless weekend, became exciting, fulfilling and peaceful.
In this post I will try to objectively look at the adult life dilemma on sizing up people and situations or the little boy analog of “is he a good guy or a bad guy”. While I have already come to the conclusion that human beings are essentially flawed and most of us operate in the grey boundary between black and white. I also realise that there is something a little more sinister about some of us humans.
For the purpose of this discussion, I will focus on the much more practical situation of evaluating people and more importantly their intentions. Two type of people are very easy to deal with, the ones who are good to you and the ones who are bad to you, our mind quickly processes the information it receives and categorises our new encounters as such. But there is a third type of people, they usually tell you what you want to hear, or so they think.
It has been my observation that whenever we process information that we’d rather like to hear, we immediately categorize the incident into the ‘good’ part in our memory. However, it is only in hindsight when we do a second layer of processing to find out whether the incident was indeed ‘good’ or ‘malevolent’. And in the 3rd layer post processing we actually get afraid of being used leading to fear and frustration.
It is these 3rd type of people that I have been particularly unsuccessful in dealing with. While I feel that imbibing some of their ‘feel good’ ways might actually be advantageous, I immediately realize that the other person would also be able to categorize this sooner or later. The evaluation of ‘intent’ was not something we were born with or something which is easily evident in the animal kingdom either. The snake doesn’t really make friends with the rabbit before gobbling it up.
Whereas, the social hierarchy which we humans have established is mind boggling in complexity. Not only do we want to eat the rabbit but we want to make sure that all the other animals don’t notice that the rabbit is gone and in fact we try to make the rabbit feel rather happy about being swished around in the digestive fluids of the snake, slowly rotting away to death.
I kind of totally agree with the ‘Joker’s’ assessment of humanity. And in a real world social experiement of blowing up the other ferry. I would bet that both would get blown away. I welcome your comments and total denial in this regard.
Why am I here?
I want to go home
But I can’t
Why can’t I go home?
It’s not the money
What is it?
Why do I need to conform?
Even if I go home
What will I do?
What should I do?
Now and tomorrow
When will it end?
When will it begin?
What am I talking about?
When will I know?
What is the point of just being? Cowardly hiding behind the acceptable, the norm. But, there is that same question again. There is no way of finding what is right, or what should be, or is there?
All is all, and all is nothing.
One of the reasons of not wanting to share my blog id is posts of this nature.
Discipline
1.) Run Everyday.
2.) Write Everyday.
3.) Read Everyday.
Leadership
1.) Do one thing each week without expecting credit for it.
2.) Assess new relationships and new avenues every weekend, then follow up on them. Make a ‘strategy list’ each week. Discard activities which yield low ‘life-aim success’ dividends.
3.) Start getting involved in Social Service.
4.) Meet one new person everyweek. Be genuine.
5.) Appoint a ‘critic’
And lastly, stay hungry, stay foolish.
It has been 2 years and 2 months, since the day that promised to change my life. It marked the beginning of my dreams.
A lot has happened since then, hope, despair, despondence. I had stopped dreaming last year and gave in to the routine drudgery of everyday working life. Friends came and friends went on their way.
Now, I’ve started dreaming again. Hoping and aspiring. Will I finally get closure or will I sink to the cesspool of the mundane and discarded.
How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before I know what it feels like?
Where To, where do I go?
If you never try, then you’ll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?
Here is an ‘ applying for dummies ‘ kind of article, which Khsitij and I wrote last year. This one was intentioned specifically for our juniors from DCE.
It’s Possible…
Dreams In Surround Sound 